Years ago while I was in grad school, I remember a professor mentioning how much midlife (he was in his 40’s)was an upheaval moment filled with tension, frustration and chasing after wind, but once you enter your fifties (his example was a colleague who had reached 55), life gets a little smoother. I have often thought about that conversation as I have entered this time of life. Today it finally made sense.
I was with a group of parents and their sons and daughters in Quito Ecuador at a home for kids with cerebral palsy who had been abandoned. As a few of us huddled around the bed of a very tiny one year old boy, with very little hope of living a full life beyond two years of age. The young people were asking questions about how God could allow this to happen. They seemed very unsettled by the question. As I pondered the whole situation I realized their reaction to the question was not so much because of the question, but because they could not bring closure by having a logical answer. It unsettled them deeply.
As we discussed the few options we had to explain suffering, struggle and the goodness of God, it dawned on me that one of the greatest gifts of living fully in midlife is that there are times when it is okay to live in the midst of unknowing. The doubts and confusion of youth no longer deeply trouble me. I have begun to see that life is very full of questions with no easy answers. That there is struggle and a messiness to life that have no explanations. And to arrive at that point in life when you can say “I’m okay with that”. Is a moment when life becomes full. When the struggle to always be right, to always have the correct answer, and to not have the tension of the unknown is a very freeing place to live.
This young boy, who has no hope for ever fulfilling any of the typical dreams we all have, whose whole world was the inside of his crib, still seemed to be bringing joy to those who surrounded him. When stroked he cooed. When you massaged his stiff legs, he seemed to relax and quiet down. And when he heard my deep voice calling his name, he smiled and giggled in a way that brought tears to my eyes.
We don’t need answers to all these questions in order to fully live life. We need to become comfortable with the tension of unknowing. To living in the skin we were given. And to enjoy life, in the midst of doubts, pain and sufferring and especially when we can’t find an adequate answer. We press on and find peace and joy in the individual moments we are given and in the goodness and wealth of our relationship with God.
Today I experienced that to the fullest thanks to a tiny little boy named Ferdinand David whose giggles and smile in the midst of such suffering, brought me joy that I did not expect and more than likely did not deserve. Thank you little Ferdinand for blessing my life with your smile.
